Ghosts, And What They Have to Teach Us
Over the years as a psychotherapist, I have been asked more than several times if I believe in ghosts. I never got used to this question, so I would equivocate: “Kinda yes!” And “kinda no!” Given that Halloween, or historically speaking, the Gaelic festival of Samhain (pronounced: Sah.win), is just around the corner, I decided to ask myself this question.
But first, a little historical context: Samhain refers to the end of the harvest season, which doesn’t mean much to me, and the first day of winter. In 16th century Ireland, Scotland and Wales the time between October 31 and November 1 was considered a liminal time, or when the boundary between this world and the spirit world becomes permeable. The souls of the dead revisit their homes in the night seeking hospitality, or appeasement.
Now the idea of spirits visiting us interests me! Hence my question and what showed up in my memory.
Back in the early-90’s, when I had been in private practice about two years, a woman I will call Ada, who had worked for my husband as a paralegal and had become a friend, called my office.
“Jan, she whispered conspiratorially, I gotta come see you!”
“Ok.” I said, “what’s it about?”
“My husband, he’s haunting me.”
Now I know what you very rational people are thinking. Psychologically speaking, Ada released herself from her own survivor guilt and allowed herself to move on. But I like the other explanation better.
Here’s some background: Ada’s husband, Jack, had died of cancer a few years ago. Before his diagnosis they bought a house in Oakland, California. Ada didn’t like the house, but Jack did. They moved in and Jack died within the year. Subsequently, Ada quit her job and decided to do something with her life she had always wanted to do, which was to become a landscape gardener. Her current plan was to sell the house and move away.
Only, as she explained to me: “Jack won’t let me. He’s still in the house. I mean mainly in the bedroom where I hear him most, and I know it’s him. So, I put the house on the market and twice when the escrow was supposed to close, guess what happened?”
I shrug. “What?”
“Both times it fell through! For really weird reasons. Get it?”
“Get what?”
She sighed. “It’s Jack. He won’t let me sell.”
I got it, so here’s what we did. We talked about Ada’s feelings about the house, about their arguments about the house, about her need to move on and her guilt about doing so. After doing the psychotherapy thing, we then got down to business and hatched a plan.
I said, “I think you need to talk with Jack. You know, reason with him. Get him to release you from having to stay in the house.”
“Good idea!” Ada agreed. “Where should I meet him?”
I suggested she meet him on her territory in the little garden where she had spent most of her time. She agreed that was also a good idea and off she went to do her homework. A week later she called me. “It’s done. I met with him. He says ok, I can go.”
“Great!” I say, “Now put the house back on the market and see what happens.”
She did, and the house sold, and Ada moved away and became a landscape gardener.
Now I know what you very rational people are thinking. Psychologically speaking, Ada released herself from her own survivor guilt and allowed herself to move on. But I like the other explanation better. Jack decided Ada deserved to move on. By the way, he told her he thought he might hang around the house in Oakland a little longer. Ada thinks he did and so do I.
Let’s face it: the ghost story is much more fun and interesting than the boring old typical psychological rationale! And none of the parapsychology research has been able to completely debunk the possibility that ghosts really do exist. Ghost stories abound, and still do, all over the world.
So, what do I think ghosts teach us? If we’re reasonable, so are they!